


How Rare and Infinite It Truly Is That We Exist

by Felilla



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Anxious Phil Lester, Astronomy, Cute, Depressed Dan Howell, Fluff, Fluffy Ending, M/M, References to Depression, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-26
Updated: 2018-01-26
Packaged: 2019-03-09 21:23:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,110
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13490058
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Felilla/pseuds/Felilla
Summary: In which Phil is obsessed with the stars and Dan realizes he’s in love with his best friend.





	How Rare and Infinite It Truly Is That We Exist

He was probably five the first time he went stargazing with his father, an attempt made by Nigel to bond with his younger son. Phil had always been a mum’s boy, clinging to his mother in most instances. He wasn’t athletic or masculine like Martyn and social situations made him anxious and upset. The mixture of these facts made the Lester father a little put off at times.

So he bought a nice telescope and took Phil to see the stars. He never imagined the love he would spark.

Phil spent most nights outside after that, staring at the stars, learning the constellations, imagining aliens on other planets doing the same thing as him. Maybe some of them were doing it with their fathers too. For his sixth birthday, Martyn helped him stick glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling.

He wore anything galaxy-themed and talked about the stars and the universe to anyone that would listen.

But the world is cruel and the bullies of secondary school sent Phil spiralling away from his love of space. He ripped the stars off of his ceiling after he came home with a bloody nose. And threw away his galaxy backpack when someone called him gay {he didn’t realize then that he was, in fact, gay}. By university, his fascination with the infinite became a dirty little secret, most traces of it erased.

Even so, when the stress of society became a little too much, he always retreated to his telescope and his stars. He always found himself alone on these ventures into the universe.

Until Dan Howell came along.

*~*

Dan never questioned Phil when the older man dragged him to the park in the middle of the night. He never asked why they laid on the damp grass, side by side, arms brushing against each other. He never breached the comfortable silence that hung between them and Phil, surprisingly, didn’t make an attempt to fill it with some kind of noise either.

Nights like this happened, Dan learned early on in their friendship when Phil called him in the middle of the night and asked him to just go stare at the stars. It was different now, of course. Back then, Dan was still in Wockingham and Phil in Rawtenstall. Now, they were close enough to touch. The smell of strawberries tickled his nose, an after effect of Phil’s body wash.

After they moved in together, Dan learned about Phil’s anxiety. He connected the dots one day when Phil emerged from the bathroom with red eyes and a heaving chest. They laid on the balcony that night and stared up at the sky in silence.

When they moved to London, they found a small park to go to when it happened. Sometimes, when Dan’s own mental health took a turn for the worse, they went to their park for that too. But they always went at night. Dan had yet to see the area during the day, not that he minded. More people would be there during the day. At night, it was just Dan and Phil, like always.

Phil snuggled into his new space jacket with a content sigh, startling Dan out of his thoughts. He glanced at his best friend. They were so close that he could see the white fog of Phil’s exhale. Their closeness never bothered Dan and, while it was a joke on the internet that they were conjoined at the hip, it was as comfortable and simple as breathing to be close to Phil.

“Isn’t it amazing?”

The sudden whisper sounded like a shout when it broke the silence that always hung between them on nights like this. Dan wondered, briefly, why they were here at all. They’d had a good day, filming a video, enjoying London. Phil turned to look at him, his vibrant blue eyes glittering in the dim light of the streetlamps.

Dan didn’t understand why people found him more attractive than Phil. The way the shadows hit his pale face and angular features made him look gorgeous. Even “No Homo Howell” could admit that {in his head}. “Are you going to make a joke about your channel name?” he questioned, a cheeky smile slipping onto his face.

Phil elbowed him gently in the ribs with a giggle, “No.”

Another lapse of silence fell between them before Phil whispered to him, “What are the chances that you and I would exist at the same exact time in the vastness of the universe?”

Dan’s eyebrows furrowed as he rolled onto his side to stare at Phil. “Isn’t existential crises kinda my thing, Phil?”

“Shut up,” Phil continued to stare up at the stars and Dan wondered why he didn’t always look so content and peaceful. Wondered what he had to do to always see that look on Phil’s face. “I just… Thank you.”

Dan’s heart fluttered in his chest, “For what?”

He watched as Phil rolled towards him, his expression fond and soft. “Being you,” he breathed out, his breath smelling of strawberry icebreakers.

“Phil?”

Phil’s eyes searched his as if looking for something and suddenly, Dan was worried. Was Phil about to have an attack and Dan missed all of the signs? He glanced down when Phil placed his hand over Dan’s. “Really, thank you. I don’t,” his eyes fluttered closed and he inhaled. He reopened his eyes and Dan found himself lost in those oceans of blue and green. “I don’t know what I would’ve done if I never met you. I don’t know what I would do without you.”

Dan stared at Phil. Phil, his flatmate. Phil, his business associate. Phil, his first best friend. Phil, the loser that stole his cereal. Phil, the guy that chewed on their controllers. Phil, with his giggles and wide smiles. Phil, with mismatched socks and bad jokes. Phil, the only reason he crawled out of bed some mornings. Phil, the light of his life. Philip Michael Lester. “Dan?” Phil’s small smile dropped. He laughed nervously. “Say something?”

Dan didn’t say anything. Instead, he closed this distance between them. His eyes slid closed as he pressed his lips to Phil’s. Phil stiffened for a second before he relaxed, reaching up and threading his fingers through Dan’s hair. After a second, Dan pulled away with half-lidded eyes and short gasps of air. He sighed and opened his eyes.

Phil stared back at him with a mixture of wonder and confusion, his fingers still dragging through Dan’s fringe. Dan smiled faintly at him, “I think I love you, Phil.”

This time, Phil smiled. He pulled Dan in for another kiss and then whispered against his lips, “I know.”


End file.
